Just a Dream?

So, I'm sitting in my chair, every man seems to have a "chair" even if it's the floor or couch. That spot where he chooses to sit 99% of the time. As I say there I sat preparing to watch the Cleveland Browns first preseason game. Now I know many people are excited to watch said game but I was just killing time. Just trying to stay awake as long as possible into the wee hours because recently I started working Midnight to 8:00 a.m. and attempting not to get too far away from those hours during the weekend.

Back to the game. As exciting as the first preseason game is I found myself becoming drowsy. Jim Donovan is one of the announcers. I don't know Jim personally but if I had to make a guess I would say he is one of those people who gets too excited over things that just aren't that exciting, probably spits when he talks, and can't get the words out fast enough before another idea has popped into his head. Because of this he often is wrong on the play by play. Now remember I said I was getting drowsy so where reality & dream meet I can't really draw that line, all I know is Jim says "first down" and I'm thinking can't be a first down because the guy doesn't have the ball, now I make a comment about the guy being an idiot and my Dad gets up & moves closer to the T.V. trying to see if it's a fumble. Here I drop off into a deep sleep and am no longer aware of the game.

When I awake I replay all I've just experienced in my head and I think to myself, thanks for the visit Dad, tomorrow would have been your 89th. birthday. Dad passed away 24 years ago, and while I do miss him & think of him from time to time, it's not often I watch a Browns game with him.  

Where is the Punch Line?

I'm waiting for the high sign
I'm waiting for the punchline
I'm waiting for someone to tell me Bing & Bob aren't dead
I'm waiting to hear your not 50, you'll always be 30.

How could all this happen? I'm sure everyone else is in on the joke.
I'm not over weight, my clothes have been replaced with a smaller size.
I'm not going grey, must be the shampoo.
I'm not getting tired, just not enough caffeine, since when do I need caffeine?

Come on where are my parents hiding? They can't really be gone.
What do you mean I've been working for over 30 years?
Retirement? that's for old people, why would I plan for that?
As soon as I take this nap I'm gonna get busy, not much time left, I guess.

It is Spring, Palm Sunday

Sundays when I was young were a day unlike the rest of the week. Our day would begin with my dad playing gospel and hymns records, Jim Neighbors, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Eddie Arnold and Jim Reeves to name a few. All played loudly & accompanied by my dad singing along. Dad had a nice voice, I don't think he could of been a successful recording artist but it was nice. The smell of eggs frying or pancakes on the griddle would greet our noses. And we were up & ready for breakfast. There was a bustle to the household as we all took turns in the bathroom getting ready for church. If you were ready early you could read the "funnys" as we called them, comics to everybody else. Or look through the adds at things you were never going to buy. And then it was off to Church. In my memories it's perpetually Spring, I am somewhere between 10 and 14 years old and hoping to get to talk with one of the girls I went to grade school with. Dad was a Council member so he was an usher and he stayed & counted the offering. This meant we would be one of the last families to leave church. It was very difficult for boys in spring to stay neat and tidy while we waited to go home. Home from church kick off the dress shoes & clothes and into relaxation mode. Dinner would be ready soon. A roast or perhaps fried chicken, mashed  potatoes and gravy. You just couldn't beat Moms cooking. 

Needless to say I would love to do this all again. As I write this the memories are awesome. I am happy but so full of heartache, I miss these people, this time and the Love I didn't even see was there in everything that was done. It's as if we lived in a bubble or cloud of love, I can still remember it, warm, peaceful and calm.
Thanks Mom & Dad.

The Internet & Alcohol.

The internet is full of people pouring out there hopes & fears. We use this medium to say what we can't say. There are many reasons we find it difficult to open up to each other. If life was like a movie I could pour out my heart felt feelings to everyone about everything, there would be a pause and the movie would fade to black. But life is not a movie. Unlike the movie, there is no fade to black. Instead there is tomorrow and tomorrow can be awkward when the truth of how you feel is out there. You just can't undo it. And that is why we use the internet. I can ignore what you think you read on the internet. There is wiggle room. The internet is like alcohol, it can give you a false sense of courage. I can say what I want to say and blame it on the alcohol/internet. Or your interpretation of what I said. 

To be clear I don't drink and then write, I don't have to, I have the internet. To be even more clear I haven't had a drink in almost 20 years. My reasons are my own. I don't want to get preachy. I started out to write about how sad I feel, missing my parents, the Sundays we use to have and our little world. Somehow I got sidetracked.

Past Remembered.

As evening approaches and I sit on my patio/sunroom and just listen to the sounds of the neighborhood, a dog barking, crickets, kids playing several yards away, a late attempt at mowing the lawn by a neighbor, I'm reminded of the neighborhood I grew up in. We lived a little more in the city then but many of the sounds are the same. The things that are missing and standout to me are the sound of dishes being done, heard through the open kitchen window, the sound of a t.v., again heard through a screened window and the low hum from a window fan. I'm not saying we should do away with air conditioning. Just remembering the past, and somehow missing it.

Wearing your Mask Backwards.

They say that everyone wears a mask or puts up barriers, protection from embarrassment. We never laugh the same in front of strangers as we do in front of friends. We try not to cry in front of anyone except our closest friends or family. We usually play it safe and reserved  until we know what others will say about our actions or our feelings.

For years I have lived my life thinking I was different then I am. People generally like me, they trust me they confide in me. In school I was often one of the favorites, one year in high school we actually had a cake for my birthday during class. I can't remember this happening on anybody else's birthday. I usually have a better relationship with my bosses then the other employees. The list goes on, parents of friends, friends  and neighbors. I'm not bragging. just stating the facts. But despite all this evidence I have seen myself differently. I thought people were wrong about me. I don't know, I just didn't like me as much as other people seemed to. I've seen myself as lazy and I've been afraid that people would find out how wrong they were about me.

Now we come to recent events. The other day my wife was telling a humorous story about me to a friend of mine. The story so caught my friend by surprise that for just a moment he let down his guard and I could see the real him, I liked what I saw. Now for just the briefest instance I could see what he saw in me, I was flattered, he saw through to the truth. And then it hit me for nearly fifty years I've been wearing my mask backwards. How could I be right about me and everyone else be wrong? I haven't been hiding myself from others I've been hiding myself from me. Well if you think I was nice before look out because now I know I'm nice. I'm going to try and use the fact that people trust me to be more helpful and generally to try and be a better friend and just a better person.

Simplified

Years ago I posted this blog...

Creation

This seems so simple, if you believe in creation you must find away to make it fit.

My thoughts are this, when God created Adam was Adam a newborn  No. I don't know his exact age, but for sake of argument let us say he was 21. Adam was one second old but he was 21 as compared to you & I. His body had a past built into it. His skin wasn't newborn, his hair, we can presume, could be cut, as if it had not just appeared brand new.

Now take that thought & transfer it to all of creation. The universe was created with a past, not a past that actually happened but a past created by God.

The Earth was created with a past. Scientists can say the Earth is such & such old, but only because God created it in that first week with a built in past.

I have simplified it. 

If at the moment of his creation, a scientist were to examine Adam he would declare him a man of (for sake of argument) 21. Same with the universe. Billions of years? Big bang theory? Just a calculation with God removed as a factor. Scientists can't help but come up with the wrong answer because God does not allow himself to be a factor in logic.